Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do Chain Letter Causes Fight

Troll George Ouzounian AKA Maddox's post is found here but read at your own risk. It has gone viral, so has become an anti-chain. If you do a search for "Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do" you will find many reposts of his puky rant, and it's mild compared with other garbage coming from his incredibly evil mind.

He wrote an article against Buzzfeed, too, which would have merit if it had been written by a decent person, but Chauvinist and food-cop troll Maddox with one of the filthiest minds and mouths and who has inexplicably managed to get some of his rubbish published, has no business disliking either Buzzfeed nor chain letters since he is clearly too thick to hold those opinions and be taken seriously. he's absolutely cool with abusing women and children after all, even though he hides behind a mask of satire. He's just your garden variety of vulgar troll who has managed to get a book deal. Don't ask me how he pulled that off when other trolls writing similar content haven't made the big time. Maybe it's because he's picked on a wide variety of people and things in his classless, substandard rants, and he has an ego the size of Russia.

For his sucky rant on the Perfect Man chain letter, Maddox received whinge mail from Jessica Ditz, defending the original 26 things chain letter and revealing some not-so-nice things about herself in the process. Much of the negative mail Maddox receives, he deserves, but that doesn't make his detractors always right either.

Edited for language. If taking out the vulgarity makes Maddox annoyed, too bad so sad for him, all the better for everyone else.

* * *

Maddox: Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,

and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

Ocean Elf: and whinged about by a misguided over-grown little boy in a man's body, who can't smash chain letters worth a darn.

Maddox: Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do.

I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds."

Ocean Elf: You found out, it sure as heck does. Too bad your response made you sound even dumber. You would actually deserve to be cooped up with this demanding tyrant of a girl.

Maddox: I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking va -

Ocean Elf: That's enough...! *Scowl*

Maddox: I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly,

Ocean Elf: How you can tolerate your own gagworthy writing is beyond me.

Maddox: and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight.

Ocean Elf: *Grimace* Ugh. TMI. Just what kind of weird friends do you have anyway? Nevermind, don't answer that, I don't want to know. Really.

Maddox: Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

Ocean Elf: I don't know whether I want to just puke or break stuff when I read this sort of crud, but I'll demolish the whole list - what I managed to find anyway. And I'll manage that with far more class than you. Your writing makes me want to vomit, so you're no better than this chain letter.

Chain: 1. Know Known how to make you smile when you are down!

Maddox: When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy?

Ocean Elf: Believe it or not, some of us not only realize that, we actually dislike romantic comedies.

Maddox: Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment.

Ocean Elf: Nope. Buy and cook your own steaks, chump.

Maddox: You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, b—h.

Ocean Elf: Gosh, for a second, I almost thought you had managed to say something intelligent, but then you added the 'b—h thing. *Scowl*

Chain: 2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.

Maddox: What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that crap makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

Ocean Elf: Conditioner is for moistening dry hair and making it less tangly. At least it doesn't smell like BO or beer breath.

Chain: 3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.

Maddox: Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

Ocean Elf: Not quite, moron. There's no use trying to explain principles to you, but this one shouldn't be gender-specific.

Chain: 4. Give you the remote control during the game.

Maddox: This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the b—h down if she touches your remote.

Ocean Elf: Man or woman, whoever is watching their favourite TV program has the right to the remote… Princess Chain Letter is so typically disgustingly feminist sexist it's gag-worthy. But you are exactly like Hailey Martin, a sexist jerk.

Chain: 5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.

Maddox: LAME. Who has time for this?

Ocean Elf: Huh? Lol, How much time would you need? It's not like you don't already have too much time on your hands considering all the putrescent drivel you spew.

Maddox: Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial

Ocean Elf: *Wince* you've got to stop doing that. It's like your poor excuse of a mind is hopelessly stuck on genitalia. You'd fit right in with the bonobo chimpanzees.

Maddox: where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence,

Ocean Elf: And the thought of that just scares the unholy living tar out of you!

Maddox: then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES."

Ocean Elf: Gah, there really is a commercial like that?

Maddox: The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the b---h on a beach

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* There you go with that "b—h" again. Disgusting troll.

Maddox: and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbarse, you're dating a skank with herpes.

Ocean Elf: Well just maybe that guy is the freak who gave it to her in the first place, ever thought of that? Gah, you Dumbbell!

Chain: 6. Play with your hair.

Maddox: Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

Ocean Elf: Eww. TMI. Everyone was just dying to know you have hair on your back.

Chain: 7. His hand hands would always find yours your hand.

Maddox: This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC."

Ocean Elf: Not me. I think it's cheesy as all heck.

Maddox: I have news for you: holding hands is stupid.

Ocean Elf: no it isn't. Writing sexist trash promoting abuse and just being plain perverted is stupid. Passing on chain letters is stupid. Holding hands is just something some people prefer to do. Their choice.

Maddox: Women don't know the first thing about being romantic.

Ocean Elf: Says you, who knows even less about romance so you're in no position to judge and be taken for anything but a colossal idiot.

Maddox: Only lesbians hold hands anyway;

Ocean Elf: Now that's a stupid opinion.

It's not the same thing, but when a sighted person is helping a blind person around an unfamiliar place, the blind person may take the guide's arm. That's not being a lesbian, idiot! A father helping his kid up from tripping and falling by taking his hand isn't a lesbian. A mother or sister reassuring their relation with a hand-hold isn't a lesbian.

Maddox: allow me to explain.

Ocean Elf: Your explanation doesn't cut it. It's just ludicrous garbage like everything else coming from you.

Maddox: The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil.

Ocean Elf: That's dumb. If a couple wants to hold hands, that's their choice. It's not like they're sucking face in public.

Maddox: Guys don't go to peace vigils, period.

Ocean Elf: And why not? Sexist crap.

Maddox: If you do, you have to surrender your ba -

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Enough! Again, I must ask, why are so many men hung up on that?

Maddox: and get a sex transplant because you're a b---h;

Ocean Elf: No, idiot. 'b—-hes' don't go to peace vigils, period… Because then they wouldn't be b—he's… Nevermind, I'm sure that explanation flew way over your pinhead.

Maddox: in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

Ocean Elf: You're stupid. Get your rotting mind out of the gutter.

Chain: 8. Be cute when he really wants something.

Maddox: Bullcrap. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Yeah right, troll. This is another reason you can't smash your way out of a tissue. You're dirty-minded and you promote abuse. Disgusting.

Chain: 9. Offer you plenty of massages.

Maddox: For your boobs maybe.

Ocean Elf: *Glare* Shut it, pig!

Maddox: I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

Ocean Elf: *Glower* Gah! You repulsive idiot! You're only perpetuating the rotten stereotype such chain letters already have about men. You really suck. Cut the dirty trolling! And you have the audacity to judge holding hands as being stupid.

Chain: 10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.

Maddox: Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

Ocean Elf: You are one messed up dude.

Chain: 11. React so cutely when you hit him and it acutally hurts.

Maddox: See, this is what pi$$es me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to crap like this,

Ocean Elf: Except for the cussing, which I changed, much to your annoyance no doubt, that was probably the only near intelligent thought you ever had, thing you ever said. But then you went and blew it all to heck with:

Maddox: then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn.

Ocean Elf: Since when is retaliating to one fraction of a second slap with deadlocking, force-feeding her bugs and giving her carpet burn equal treatment? Loser!

Maddox: Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

Chain: 12. Drive five hours just to see you for one.

Maddox: Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an a$$hole.

Ocean Elf: no, that's you. He's just a poor desperate schmuck.

Maddox: If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* You sure bought into that whole "Mankind is totally killing the planet and the universe!" thing.

Chain: 13. Stare at you.

Maddox: You stupid attention seeking wh—e,

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Staring at someone is rude, but it isn't the same as sleeping with them, stupid! I really hate people using that 'wh—e' word where it doesn't belong. and then you whinge about things other people say.

Maddox: just buy the b---h a mirror,

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* There you go with that 'b—h' trash again. Go crawl under a rock and stay there in shame after taking a good long look at yourself in that mirror. You need it, bubba.

Maddox: because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her.

Ocean Elf: It seems you and she have the same problem.

Maddox: If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

Ocean Elf: Whoops, troll, your IQ just plummeted again. Really, Maddox. were you expecting all women to get super hurt and flame the heck out of you for your stupidity?

Chain: 14. Call for no reason.

Maddox: Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that pi— men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pi—ing their youth away on stupid bullcrap like fashion trends."

Ocean Elf: wow, you just described yourself perfectly. Only you haven't killed time on fashion trends, you've wasted time and bandwidth trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records for being the biggest troll on the internet.

Maddox: I can't go on,

Ocean Elf: But I can. It was supposed to be 26, and the whole thing needs a good pummelling.

Maddox: I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my d— in the oven.

Ocean Elf: Again, why are so many men, especially you, stuck on that? You should've thought of that before ranting about women being stuck on their hair.

* * *

Now, Jessica's hatemail.

--

Date: Sun, 20 Apr 2003 02:06:25 EDT
From: SummerGrlJess19
To: maddox@xmission.com
Subject: ur just jealous!!!

Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* No one with intelligence and self-respect and respect for humankind would be jealous of either you or Maddox. You're just fantasizing because you wish you were envied, or you think you deserve to be. I don't think dear old Maddox even has the brain power it takes to be jealous anyway. Even if he had, he's way too in love with himself, and, he actually got a book deal, and has an internet fandom. He's pretty much got it made, so why would he be jealous of you?

Jessica: To who it may concern:

Okay I read your article about the 26 things the perfect guy should do. And you r so mad and angry!

Ocean Elf: And you're not? Of course you are, but you're not angry at the chain letter for touting a bunch of horrible "Gimme gimme gimme" demanding women stereotypes.

Jessica: Im sure youve played with a girls hair before.

Ocean Elf: Why? Has he played with your hair without knowing it or something?

Jessica: Or held their hand.

Ocean Elf: no, Jessica, you can't be sure of that. Besides, I really can't imagine what girl in their right mind would want to get close enough to him for that.

Jessica: All in a depserate

Ocean Elf: 'Desperate'

Jessica: attempt to get invited into their bedrooms

Ocean Elf: *Scowl* Wow, what a lovely charmer you are.

Jessica: but youre once again let down and sent home by yourself.

Ocean Elf: is that the best you can do? Seriously? I'm disgusted with that chain letter and with his appalling reactions as well, but I haven't been trying to get guys to sleep with me. Really Jessica, one does not have a thing to do with the other. You can't seem to grasp that because your brain has utterly imploded with self-righteous indignant rage.

Jessica: So why get mad when it works for other people?

Ocean Elf: Clue, Jessica, chain letters don't work. You'll learn that eventually, I hope...

Jessica: Youll never find a girl because you pubicly talk about promoting domestic violenceand abuse.

Ocean Elf: Uh, you might've wanted to fix that error in what I believe you meant to say 'publicly'. and talking about promoting domestic violence and abuse (redundant much?) is not actually promoting it, although he clearly was, as a troll or genuine reaction. Talking about abuse without supporting it, okay, example coming right up. I could be talking about someone who made me mad because they were promoting domestic violence, but that wouldn't make me guilty of promoting it as well.

I'm not going to defend the dreck Maddox said to give that impression. I think he was trolling, which was stupid at best, promoting violence at worst. He was actually promoting the misguided, stupidly bad stereotypes such chain letters perpetuate about men as Chauvinistic pigs.

Regardless, where is your outrage at the bratty double-standard-filled chain letter itself?

Jessica: My boyfriend read the 26 things, and now he does them and I love him now.

Ocean Elf: *Appalled expression* So, you made this idiot follow the dictates of a chain letter, and you only love him "now" You withheld love from him until he turned into a subservient doting imprint for you? Disgusting!

Jessica: We will be together forever thanks to that email.

Ocean Elf: Unless he grows a brain and you grow a conscience, brat! You really hinge your relationships on chain letters? That's beyond pathetic! You're so alarmingly shallow and gullible that I wouldn't even want you as an acquaintance let alone a friend, I don't believe you have it in you to be a real friend, let alone capable of real love.

Jessica: And Im sorry that youll never be blessed with the gift of love.

Ocean Elf: Newsflash, Jessica, you haven't been blessed with the gift of love if you believe in this chain letter and you got some poor sap coddling you out of some sort of guilt/power-tripping blackmail thing. Oh, and, you're not psychic. You can't predict anyone's future accurately, not even your own. You especially can't talk about love when, like Maddox, you know nothing about it.

Jessica: Youre a homofobic

Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* You sure bought into the fangirl and liberal mindset with this 'homophobic' bullcrap. He didn't say anything about gays at all, other than holding hands being for lesbians. It's a wrong statement, but it's not homophobia, you idiot!

Jessica: mysogynist....

Ocean Elf: It's 'misogynist' there's only one 'y' in that word. You're a misandrist if you're fine and dandy with this chain letter and others like it that put women up on some kind of entitlement pedestal and demand men become droning slaves for them.

Jessica: good luck finding someone.

Ocean Elf: You don't know if he has found someone. I don't know if he has, and unlike you, I don't care. Romance isn't for everyone. Bet that never entered your mind...

Jessica: Sincerely,
Jessica

Maddox: What makes you so sure I've played with a girl's hair before, "SummerGrl19?" Very clever handle by the way, the only way you could make it any more unoriginal or cliche would be to add the words "happy, cute" or "princess" to the name.

Ocean Elf: *Derisive snicker* 'Princess' That's what all these chain letter girls have, a princess complex! The one in "To Every Girl" even comes right out and admits it. And what about your site? Best site in the universe? Hardly! That title is a laughable combination of wishful thinking and arrogance.

Maddox: Why are women so hung up about their hair?

Ocean Elf: I'm not.

Why are you so hung up on genitalia and trying to objectify women?

Maddox: It's not interesting enough to talk about, let alone to play with. Really, nobody gives a crap about your hair. We don't care about the kind of dye you use, the momentous decision of wearing it "up" or "down," and frankly, there isn't anyone in the world important enough to be able to talk about the type of conditioner they use without inducing a mighty yawn from me.

Ocean Elf: As you probably have noticed if you've been exposed to fan fiction, that fanfic writers tend to be way too fixated on hair and eyes. That's all part of Mary Sue and Gary Stu.

Maddox: What makes you think I'd play with a girl's hair or hold her hand to get invited to her bedroom?

Ocean Elf: That's Princess Jessica's stupid fantasy, apparently. But I wouldn't put it past you to do or say anything just to get some woman to hop in the sack with you.

Maddox: Even if I was a w—e,

Ocean Elf: *Rolling eyes* Cut the 'w—e' thing already! I'm starting to think you really are talking about yourself.

Maddox: like every guy you've dated apparently,

Ocean Elf: You don't know that any more than she can predict your future.

Maddox: it wouldn't be worth it.

Ocean Elf: I can't imagine what guy in their right mind or with a properly functioning brain wanting to be around her for too long. Or a girl in their right mind wanting to be around you. Only an idiot who believes in chain letters and is some kind of spineless masochist who likes being bossed around would live in some kind of twisted happily ever after with her/you.

Maddox: If not having to play flirty grab-a$$ games with a girl means not getting laid, I consider it a bargain.

Ocean Elf: Ewww! I don't go in for any of that… Nor am I impressed with your crude mouth. Not that you give a darn, but this is my site, so I'll express myself whether you care or not.

Maddox: As for your boyfriend, what kind of dumbarse takes chain mail seriously?

Ocean Elf: An idiot like you! Or at least one who is terribly desperate to keep from losing her "love" *cough, cough* and would do literally anything to please her, even if it means following a chain letter's demands and kissing Jessica's feet.

Maddox: What if someone sent your genius boyfriend a list titled "26 ways to clothes-line your girlfriend"?

Ocean Elf: Or 26 ways to be an internet troll.

Maddox: What kind of gullible idiot takes that crap seriously? People like him are the reason cults exist.

Ocean Elf: Yep, such as your pathetic little fandom and feminism. It isn't about equality, it's misandry. And then there are fandoms which may as well be considered cults. to back that up with some examples, fanbrats who treat anime and MLP like a religion, and yes, they spread chain letters too!

FlutterDerpy20 Fangirls Throw Tantrums Over Dislike Of Anime Fangirl Pride Chain Letter Otaku Pride Chain Letter Brony Rants At Amanda Marcotte Otaku Desu Fight New Sincerity - Plover.net Senna Marie Maxwell Snufkin And Marcia Ubang

Maddox: Congratulations for your new-found love, I can only imagine the deep bond two people share as a result of junk mail.

Ocean Elf: *Sneer* Precious, isn't it? Almost as adorable as you bonding with some woman over ants and carpet burn.

Maddox: One last thing: you claim that I'll always be alone because I promote domestic violence? I guess you forgot that the list suggests that guys should "act cutely" when women hit them and it hurts; that's domestic abuse by definition, not that it matters because you're too much of a putz to understand anything anyway.

Ocean Elf: You're no different.

Maddox: Enjoy making other life-altering decisions in your otherwise empty life based off of stupid email you receive.

Ocean Elf: And a caution to anyone else who might happen to meet Maddox or Jessica in real life. Run like heck the other way while you can! these hideous predators and parasites apparently has the power to actually reduce IQ in certain people, and they do it with trolling and chain letters.

Over and out!